Hey guys. I have an update that I want to share. Somewhat bad but hopefully ends on an optimistic note. I couldn’t find a therapist I was comfortable with but I was still able to stop for a bit.
I went 4 months without hobbying. I was able to suppress my urges by invoking images of post nut guilt. That image of laying on a massage table. Partially draped with a towel which was used to clean god knows how many other mongers. And staring forlornly at how I ended up in such a position. That kept me out of the mongering scene for a while.
I did however substitute with porn, often 2-3x/day. I am still a sex addict.
I eventually relapsed. Met girls who are genuinely interested. And I self-sabotage with thoughts of “what if she finds out about my past?” or “what if I get into a relationship and see sex workers behind her back?”. I devalue myself to the point where mongering is my only means of satisfying my sexual needs.
But I think there’s a deeper problem as many of you mentioned. A problem I’ve been burying my head in the sand around. Porn and mongering addictions are quick dopamine fixes at an attempt to fill that void.
I lack fulfillment and I’m no doubt severely depressed and crippled with social anxiety. I don’t have any hobbies. I work for the sake of working. I realized the few close friends I have only use me as an outlet to listen to their complaints. I am determined to make a change. I will explore and pursue fulfilling hobbies. I have a big list of things I want to try out.
What I want to ultimately get out of it is to get up in the morning looking forward to my day. Looking forward to doing something fulfilling. As opposed to now where I wake up wondering why the hell I’m alive.
I know I can do it.
OK I feel for you. many moons ago, I was a almost rock star. I have played guitar since I was 9 like most of the greats I am left handed and play a standard right handed guitar left hand dominant, not like Hendrix , not lefty, I play righty like a righty would but my dominant hand is playing the chords and lead. BB King, Duane Allman, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Page, Shawn Lane, Garry Moore, Johnny Winter, Eddie Van Halen, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Alvin Lee, Mark Knopfler, to name a few. It is gift from God to be able to do it. I got as close as you could get, TV, radio, tour scheduled. Our fucking manager married to the boss of the record companies daughter, carries on an open affair with the phone girl. Poof, vaporized.
Where am I going ? My dream died that day. I could have kept going, professed my love for what I did, instead, I sold out. I went into sales. I play and write to this day, better than ever, but it is late in the game. I was successful for 20 out of 30 years at what I did, but my heart was never in it. If I see someone playing, I always want to go over jam with them, but I never do.
See if you do not love what you do, you will never be happy, and that manifests itself many different ways. For you, the hobby because you hate yourself. You hate yourself because you are angry. You are angry because you have not found the thing that makes you happy. Find that thing, whatever it is, helping people, trading stock options, not for profits, find it. When you find that key, it will unlock the door to your happiness.
Shortly before I stopped drinking, I was in a bar at 2 AM in NYC, the Oak Room. I was going at it pretty hard. A beautiful, classy woman tapped my hand. She started in my eyes like an angel of mercy, and said, my friend whatever it is your are searching for, I can promise you, it isn't in the bottom of that glass. My eyes swelled, said thank you. She kissed me on the cheek. Next day I stopped, never had another drink again. It takes time, however once you let your addiction go, you don't want to go back. You revert back to all the struggles you went through just to put it down. It scares you to revert back, as it should. I am scared to ever have a drink again, I know what would happen. It is not worth the ten first minutes of that first drink, or that first line of coke, or that first 30 seconds of that BBBJ from a woman you do not know.
If you find the thing in life you love, it will release you from all this. Now there are a lot of assholes here, they will put you down, tell you all kinds of crap. Listen to my words here to the letter. I am giving you the answer. The search is up to you. The sooner you start it, the sooner you can find happiness, true happiness, and get on with your life.
Me I will just keep acquiescing, hobbying, playing music, writing, singing, trading options, running my small marketing business. For me the best is behind me. But the only time I ever find love is when I play my guitar or are with my Thai woman, who I love but can not have full time. SO for her. Trust me on this one OK?